Dear Person

Dear Person I Have Hurt,

I can’t believe you. Sometimes it seems like it will take forever to get rid of you. A figurative eternity.

Don’t mistake my words; I’m not blaming you. I am utterly astonished by you. Your patience is unwavering. You are supportive when I am floundering. You are a stream of positivity when I can’t appreciate even the most beautiful flower. You write me notes that peel away the cortex around my heart in milliseconds.

A slip of lined paper with a shaky smiley face. “I hope you’ll do what this guy here is…”

You are the only thing, person, being that makes it easier, and still I hurt you.

I want you to know that each cut into you cuts into me too. I feel your pain as though it’s my own, so why, why don’t I stop myself? I don’t know. Maybe I don’t know how.

Actually, let me pin it on a lack of effort. Trying is so exhausting (note: it’s another one of your strengths). All of my mental trying, and the planning that goes on in my brain for trying, and all of the anxiety I feel that I’m not trying enough, and then all the times I haven’t tried enough for you are physically draining.

This is why you amaze me. You are so unlike me. You can do what I can’t. You choose to do what I will not.

I’m sorry for asking you to leave me. It was only in my head.

I’m afraid that your only flaw is me. You will do anything for me, but I subject you to the suffering…embarrassment…loneliness…insecurity.

Oh my Dear Person, I apologize.

Sincerely, and also with love,

Person Unable to Try

 

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